RK, 23

In Defence of Why I am Friends with my Rapist on Facebook 

By RK, 23, Canada

I was eighteen
You were nineteen
I was always big
You were bigger
You made me feel small

I liked that.

You liked my hair
I liked your laugh
You told me about your family
I didn’t need to tell you about mine

You drew patterns on my back
I kissed your candy sweet lips

You cared.
I cared too.
You wanted me.
I wanted you too.

I said no
You let me say no
I thought that made you a good guy
You were a good guy

I said yes once
I said no once

You didn’t stop
I didn’t say no again

I didn’t stop you
I didn’t want to make you not want me
I didn’t want to make you a rapist
I didn’t want to hate the hand that traced my back
I didn’t understand how someone with a sweet laugh and soft lips and a sick dad could hurt me

I can hear my mom when I think of you
How could you keep having sex with someone you say raped you?

I tried to make my body a pen and rewrite what happened
You would only be a monster if that’s how I wrote you

You were never a monster to me
You weren’t then
You aren’t now

We were taught bad lessons

You were taught to keep going no matter what
I was taught to be accommodating

You were taught that your value lay in a woman’s body
I was taught that my value lay in giving my body up

You weren’t taught that yes is more than a word
I wasn’t taught that rape is something someone does to you

You weren’t taught to look for consent in my body
I wasn’t taught that I had a choice

I want to hate you but then
I would have to hate me too

Because I only said no, once