Kachanna Modi, 34

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To my abuser,

The other day, my sister ordered uber eats. The guy came to the door and my heart stopped. She was in the shower which meant I had to answer the door. The first thing I did was go into my bedroom and hide behind the door. He kept knocking and knocking and knocking and knocking. “Hello…Hello?? HELLOO???!! Then he called her cell, I put it on silent. I was just praying he would just fucking go away. Finally, after like, 5 whole minutes, he left. I was gasping for breath, didn’t realize I was holding it in.

It’s struggle to even open emails. I have to get a friend to pick me up from the bus station because I am just so petrified of leaving alone. The worst are the flashbacks. I saw someone on the street who styles their beard exactly like you do. I knew that, that night you’d make an appearance in my dream. It seems like every time I see something that reminds me of you, its like, logged in my brain and gets processed only at night.

I have to say, I’ve come a long way. But it just seems like every time, every damn time I feel like I am  F I N A L L Y  getting back to the old me, finally letting go of the humiliation and fear, I hear your voice in my head saying, “Relax, I’m almost finished.”

One thought on “Kachanna Modi, 34

  1. Thank you. Try not to forget how strong you really are. Thank you for sharing. It helps me fight my own horrors.

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