To my abuser,
The other day, my sister ordered uber eats. The guy came to the door and my heart stopped. She was in the shower which meant I had to answer the door. The first thing I did was go into my bedroom and hide behind the door. He kept knocking and knocking and knocking and knocking. “Hello…Hello?? HELLOO???!! Then he called her cell, I put it on silent. I was just praying he would just fucking go away. Finally, after like, 5 whole minutes, he left. I was gasping for breath, didn’t realize I was holding it in.
It’s struggle to even open emails. I have to get a friend to pick me up from the bus station because I am just so petrified of leaving alone. The worst are the flashbacks. I saw someone on the street who styles their beard exactly like you do. I knew that, that night you’d make an appearance in my dream. It seems like every time I see something that reminds me of you, its like, logged in my brain and gets processed only at night.
I have to say, I’ve come a long way. But it just seems like every time, every damn time I feel like I am F I N A L L Y getting back to the old me, finally letting go of the humiliation and fear, I hear your voice in my head saying, “Relax, I’m almost finished.”