I don’t even know why I am doing this but here it goes…
I was 6. He was my Dad. Any time I’ve told this to anyone, they say, “Your biological dad?” as if that could be a deterrent for a sexual predator.
The first time it happened I was making mud pies in our backyard. It had just rained and the mud was so slick and perfect for making mud pies. The earth smelled so fresh and I loved the feeling of it in my hands. My mom was in the kitchen cooking and my dad came out to play with me. We made like 30 mud pies and then it started to get cold so we went inside to wash up.
He took me to the bathroom and told me to get undressed for a bath. I had done this hundreds of times, no big deal. So i undress and he looks at me and says, “You have some mud on your pee pee!” I said, “where?”. He touched my penis for like what seemed like forever and said, “There, I wiped it off”. He let me get into the tub and was he bathed me like usual. The whole time i felt like i was having an out of body experience but of course being 6, I didn’t know what I was feeling. I was terrified and i didn’t know why.
This continued and progressed every single day until I was 17. This part is the hardest to say. After a while it almost felt consensual and I hated myself more and more and more. it was almost routine. Some kids have soccer, I gave blowjobs. I couldn’t get out of it and there was no way in hell I could tell my mom or anyone. My family would be destroyed, my boys would laugh or freak the fuck out and my girl would think I was weak.
I have son and I can’t understand how anyone could do this to their own child. I was scared that one day I would turn into the monster that my dad was, just out of no where. And because of that, I didn’t get too close to my son or show him the affection he probably deserved. I thought if I kept a distance from my son, the monster that must be in me too would stay away. I thought I was protecting him. While we never had a close relationship, I always told him, if anyone EVER touches you in your private parts, you tell me right away and you won’t ever be in trouble for it.
I’ve had nightmares for years. I can’t remember when I have had a solid, peaceful night’s sleep. I’m either waking up in a cold sweat or can’t shut my brain off. The worst days are rainy days.
Alex Johnson, 44